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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Orioles' Top Prospect Wins World Series In First Major-League At Bat

BA:LTIMORE—Widely hailed as his franchise's best prospect in years, catcher Matt Wieters fulfilled all expectations last Friday with his first major-league at bat, leading the Baltimore Orioles to their first World Series championship since 1983. "It's an incredible feeling—I'm happy I've lived up to everyone's expectations," said Wieters, who has also retroactively led the Orioles to three division titles and a pennant in the last five years. "Just to step in there in a May game against the Tigers and come back to the dugout with a World Series trophy, an MVP award, and three Gold Gloves? I haven't felt this good since I was voted to the All-Star Game as a sophomore in high school." Wieters became the first rookie to win back-to-back world championships in his second at bat before grounding out in the fifth.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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