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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Orioles: We Have Enough Talent To Win 5 More Games This Season

BALTIMORE—Despite well over a decade of futility before their hot start this season, the Baltimore Orioles, currently tied for first in the AL East, told reporters Thursday they trust in one another and believe they have enough talent this year to win five more games. "This is a special Orioles team," said manager Buck Showalter, confirming he believes fans can pencil in the Orioles to carry a .045 winning percentage the rest of the season. "With a few more fluke home runs from Adam [Jones], some bad umpiring calls going our way, and the kind of random chance we’ve come to depend on, I have no problem at all saying we can take five of our next 111 games." Team members however were quick to caution that their chances of winning five games could be jeopardized by unforeseen circumstances, such as injuries or the franchise getting demoted to AAA.

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