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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Orioles Winning Streak Has O's Fans Worried About Rest Of League

BALTIMORE—As the Orioles completed a six-game winning streak last Sunday, several O’s fans expressed concern about the mental and physical health of every other Major League Baseball team. “For J.J. Hardy and Mark Reynolds to suddenly play so well, you know that means there has to be something seriously wrong with everyone else,” Orioles fan Elaine Dietz told reporters, adding that the team’s combined talent should never result in consecutive wins at any given time. “If the Orioles go on another streak like that, I would seriously consider ending the season immediately and testing every American League team for bacterial, viral, and autoimmune disorders. If whatever the league has contracted isn’t caught immediately, it could mean the end of baseball.” At press time, members of the Minnesota Twins, whom the Orioles swept in August, were experiencing fatigue, vomiting blood, and reporting painful skin pustules all over their bodies.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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