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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Orlando Assistant Coach Patrick Ewing Counsels Dwight Howard On How To Lose NBA Title

ORLANDO, FL—Since the NBA Finals began, Magic assistant coach Patrick Ewing has been sharing his vast knowledge of how to lose the title with Dwight Howard, carefully but emphatically advising the center to concentrate on making crucial mistakes if he wants to put his team in the best position to lose. "Dwight, if you want to misdominate this series, you have to get creative with those turnovers and be willing to commit stupid technical fouls," Ewing said Monday, encouraging Howard to expose his ballhandling deficiencies by dribbling as much as possible. "You gotta be soft in the paint. You gotta waste energy. Let them push you around and box you out. And if you get the ball, drive as hard as you can toward the sidelines and look for the panic pass." Ewing reportedly stayed after practice to help Howard work on throwing the ball away and missing free throws.

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