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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Orlando Assistant Coach Patrick Ewing Counsels Dwight Howard On How To Lose NBA Title

ORLANDO, FL—Since the NBA Finals began, Magic assistant coach Patrick Ewing has been sharing his vast knowledge of how to lose the title with Dwight Howard, carefully but emphatically advising the center to concentrate on making crucial mistakes if he wants to put his team in the best position to lose. "Dwight, if you want to misdominate this series, you have to get creative with those turnovers and be willing to commit stupid technical fouls," Ewing said Monday, encouraging Howard to expose his ballhandling deficiencies by dribbling as much as possible. "You gotta be soft in the paint. You gotta waste energy. Let them push you around and box you out. And if you get the ball, drive as hard as you can toward the sidelines and look for the panic pass." Ewing reportedly stayed after practice to help Howard work on throwing the ball away and missing free throws.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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