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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Orlando Cabrera Hates Metrodome's Tuna Casserole Smell

MINNEAPOLIS—Recently acquired Twins shortstop Orlando Cabrera admitted Sunday that he is disgusted by the overpowering stench of tuna casserole in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. "Every time I enter the stadium the awful smell makes me sick to my stomach," said Cabrera, adding that he was unable to determine the source of the foul odor but suspected years of tuna casserole might be ground into the seats, the FieldTurf, and the fabric of the Metrodome itself. "Why does it always stink like rancid mayonnaise and fish? Now the smell's in my uniform, too. I can't wait to leave for our road games." Twins owner Jim Pohlad, who claimed he could not smell anything abnormal, has reportedly denied Cabrera's requests to air out the Metrodome by perforating the roof.

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