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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Orlando Hudson Just Striking Out To Crack Up Teammates

PHOENIX—Arizona Diamondbacks second baseman Orlando Hudson has been intentionally striking out in an effort to make his teammates laugh, team sources told reporters. Hudson, who struck out in every plate appearance Tuesday against the Oakland A's, was overheard saying "Check this out" to teammates Justin Upton and Chris Young before intentionally taking a third strike during his first at-bat; swinging wildly high and wide at a pitch thrown low and inside; swinging several seconds after the ball had been caught by the catcher for a third strikeout; and during his fourth appearance at the plate, dropping his bat and starting to remove his batting gloves before the pitcher had even thrown the baseball. Upon walking back to the dugout, Hudson reportedly pretended to be disappointed with his performance by yelling, "Jeez, I just don't know what's wrong with me lately," causing his teammates further amusement. Following the game, Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin told Hudson that he could see what Hudson was doing and that he had better cut it out.

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