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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Orlando Magic 2012-13 Season Preview Guide To Feature Photo Of Arena On Cover

ORLANDO, FL—Sources within the Orlando Magic organization reported Thursday that the cover of the team's upcoming 2012-13 season preview guide would feature an aerial photograph of the Amway Center as well as the Magic logo displayed in the lower-right corner. "The options really came down to Hedo Turkoglu holding a ball in his left hand, Jameer Nelson pretending to pass the ball into the camera, or Al Harrington and Arron Afflalo standing back-to-back," said Magic director of communications George Galante, noting that a dramatic picture of the logo at half court was also considered for the cover. "Instead, we chose the Amway Arena. It's a really nice photo." In addition, the team released a statement revealing that for pregame introductions Orlando would just play heavy rock music and have the entire starting five waving from the bench upon the announcement of "your Orlando Magic!"

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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