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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Orlando Magic 2012-13 Season Preview Guide To Feature Photo Of Arena On Cover

ORLANDO, FL—Sources within the Orlando Magic organization reported Thursday that the cover of the team's upcoming 2012-13 season preview guide would feature an aerial photograph of the Amway Center as well as the Magic logo displayed in the lower-right corner. "The options really came down to Hedo Turkoglu holding a ball in his left hand, Jameer Nelson pretending to pass the ball into the camera, or Al Harrington and Arron Afflalo standing back-to-back," said Magic director of communications George Galante, noting that a dramatic picture of the logo at half court was also considered for the cover. "Instead, we chose the Amway Arena. It's a really nice photo." In addition, the team released a statement revealing that for pregame introductions Orlando would just play heavy rock music and have the entire starting five waving from the bench upon the announcement of "your Orlando Magic!"

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