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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Ornithologist Forced To Participate In History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds?' Program

ITHACA, NY—Saying that when it came down to it he really didn’t have any other choice, respected ornithologist Ethan R. Lewis confirmed Monday that he had agreed to participate in the upcoming History Channel program What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds? “Let’s face it, there aren’t a ton of bird gigs out there, and this one actually pays pretty well, so eventually I called and told them, ‘Sure, I’ll be on your show,’” said Lewis, an assistant director at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, who reportedly spent 25 minutes explaining to a History Channel producer that humans could not actually become birds. “What else am I going to do? It’s not like you get rich from studying birds. Anyway, all I have to do is say something about how, if they were birds, humans would have to chew on little bits of gravel in order to digest their food.” At press time, Lewis was looking into a camera and stating that in order for humans to fly, each of their arms would have to be the size of a Harley-Davidson.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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