adBlockCheck

Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

VAN NUYS, CA—The forces of morally upstanding civic involvement and partial nudity won out over corporate greed Saturday when a group of charitable, concerned citizens—all voluptuous young women between the ages of 19 and 23—saved a local orphanage from foreclosure at the hands of uncaring real-estate agents by holding a bikini car wash.

Two of the nubile, civic-minded citizens who came to the aid of the orphanage.

"By slapping each other's firm, curvaceous, tanned bodies with sopping, sudsy sponges and cavorting gleefully as we lathered cars to a gleaming sheen, my friends and I were thankfully able to generate enough community interest to raise the funds necessary to save the orphanage," said Van Nuys-area bleach-blonde bombshell Kelli Dee, the woman credited with leading the charity effort, at a poolside press conference Monday. "I'm just glad the people of this city rallied so enthusiastically around our cause. They have proven that, even in these cynical times, people still care about what's truly important: helping kids."

For her efforts, Dee was given the Van Nuys Civic Association's Upstanding Citizen Award, during the acceptance of which her left breast briefly spilled from her sun dress, momentarily revealing her taut nipple to the cheering crowd.

Dee, sources said, first became involved in the fight to save the orphanage just one week ago, when she arrived in Southern California to live with her long-lost Aunt Muriel while pursuing her dream of becoming a model and actress.

"Imagine my surprise," a smiling Dee told reporters, "when, upon showing up at the address I'd been given by my aunt, I found that it was actually a church orphanage, and that Aunt Muriel, who had quite a reputation as a 'party girl' back in her day, was now Sister Muriel the nun!"

But the mood of jubilant reunion quickly turned sour when Dee learned that the orphanage, Holy Mother Of Christ In Heaven Nunnery And Home For Wayward Waifs, was in danger of being bulldozed by heartless real-estate developer J. Phineas Thadwick III to make room for a celebrity-themed chain restaurant and bar.

"He said we only had one week to pay the overdue mortgage," Sister Muriel said. "Kelli, God bless her, wanted to help, but she was penniless. Every last cent she had left over after her extensive series of breast-augmentation surgeries went toward paying for the bus ticket here from Iowa."

All seemed lost, Dee said, until she convinced her new friends from the beach to help raise the money by holding a car wash. "At first they didn't accept me and were sure my idea would never work," she said. "But after a giggly pillow fight, during which we playfully tugged off each other's flimsy nighties, I was able to earn their trust."

Defying the odds, the girls' entrepreneurial fund-raising scheme ultimately paid off.

"Normally, I'd feel a sick sense of self-abasing shame for ogling such blatantly gratuitous female nudity," said customer Norm Radchek, who had his car scrubbed clean an estimated two dozen times during the weekend event. "But luckily, the knowledge that it was all for the sake of the orphanage enabled me to maintain the moral high ground while doing so."

Sister Muriel praised her niece's generosity and dedication to the orphanage. "It was very brave of Kelli to selflessly press her soapy, thonged butt cheeks against the cars' windshields for a good cause," she said. "I thank heaven that the young ladies' skimpy swimwear was able to raise so much awareness and help these poor children."

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response generated by the car wash, success did not come easily. Before the money could be raised, the girls first had to overcome a number of attempts by Thadwick and his real-estate cronies to sabotage the event.

Among the developers' more ruthless ploys to lure potential customers away from the fundraiser: the organization of a wet T-shirt contest across the street using a rival group of "slutty" topless women who stood in sharp contrast to the wholesome topless women of the car wash.

Additionally, an 11th-hour attempt by the developers to revoke the girls' car-wash license was defeated when Thadwick, brandishing a fistful of intimidating-looking forms from the County Assessor's office, was pushed into a swimming pool by pro-orphanage community members.

"Kelli and her bimbo friends haven't heard the last of J. Phineas Thadwick III!" a visibly humiliated Thadwick told reporters during the victory volleyball celebration that immediately followed his soaking-wet defeat. "Just look at this suit! It's ruined!"

Dee said she couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. "We saved the orphanage, I made a lot of new friends, and practically everybody in town saw me naked from the waist up on multiple occasions," she said. "What more could a simple Iowa girl want?"

Dee's future plans include taking voice lessons, helping her aunt around the orphanage, and dating a boy so shy and nerdy that he assumed a sexy dreamgirl like her would never even look at him.

"Ironically, the fact that he is so shy and nerdy is the very reason I like him," she said.

A documentary about the struggle to save the orphanage is currently being filmed by New Line Cinema and should be available in the "Wild Comedy" section of Blockbuster Video by the end of the year.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close