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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

VAN NUYS, CA—The forces of morally upstanding civic involvement and partial nudity won out over corporate greed Saturday when a group of charitable, concerned citizens—all voluptuous young women between the ages of 19 and 23—saved a local orphanage from foreclosure at the hands of uncaring real-estate agents by holding a bikini car wash.

Two of the nubile, civic-minded citizens who came to the aid of the orphanage.

"By slapping each other's firm, curvaceous, tanned bodies with sopping, sudsy sponges and cavorting gleefully as we lathered cars to a gleaming sheen, my friends and I were thankfully able to generate enough community interest to raise the funds necessary to save the orphanage," said Van Nuys-area bleach-blonde bombshell Kelli Dee, the woman credited with leading the charity effort, at a poolside press conference Monday. "I'm just glad the people of this city rallied so enthusiastically around our cause. They have proven that, even in these cynical times, people still care about what's truly important: helping kids."

For her efforts, Dee was given the Van Nuys Civic Association's Upstanding Citizen Award, during the acceptance of which her left breast briefly spilled from her sun dress, momentarily revealing her taut nipple to the cheering crowd.

Dee, sources said, first became involved in the fight to save the orphanage just one week ago, when she arrived in Southern California to live with her long-lost Aunt Muriel while pursuing her dream of becoming a model and actress.

"Imagine my surprise," a smiling Dee told reporters, "when, upon showing up at the address I'd been given by my aunt, I found that it was actually a church orphanage, and that Aunt Muriel, who had quite a reputation as a 'party girl' back in her day, was now Sister Muriel the nun!"

But the mood of jubilant reunion quickly turned sour when Dee learned that the orphanage, Holy Mother Of Christ In Heaven Nunnery And Home For Wayward Waifs, was in danger of being bulldozed by heartless real-estate developer J. Phineas Thadwick III to make room for a celebrity-themed chain restaurant and bar.

"He said we only had one week to pay the overdue mortgage," Sister Muriel said. "Kelli, God bless her, wanted to help, but she was penniless. Every last cent she had left over after her extensive series of breast-augmentation surgeries went toward paying for the bus ticket here from Iowa."

All seemed lost, Dee said, until she convinced her new friends from the beach to help raise the money by holding a car wash. "At first they didn't accept me and were sure my idea would never work," she said. "But after a giggly pillow fight, during which we playfully tugged off each other's flimsy nighties, I was able to earn their trust."

Defying the odds, the girls' entrepreneurial fund-raising scheme ultimately paid off.

"Normally, I'd feel a sick sense of self-abasing shame for ogling such blatantly gratuitous female nudity," said customer Norm Radchek, who had his car scrubbed clean an estimated two dozen times during the weekend event. "But luckily, the knowledge that it was all for the sake of the orphanage enabled me to maintain the moral high ground while doing so."

Sister Muriel praised her niece's generosity and dedication to the orphanage. "It was very brave of Kelli to selflessly press her soapy, thonged butt cheeks against the cars' windshields for a good cause," she said. "I thank heaven that the young ladies' skimpy swimwear was able to raise so much awareness and help these poor children."

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response generated by the car wash, success did not come easily. Before the money could be raised, the girls first had to overcome a number of attempts by Thadwick and his real-estate cronies to sabotage the event.

Among the developers' more ruthless ploys to lure potential customers away from the fundraiser: the organization of a wet T-shirt contest across the street using a rival group of "slutty" topless women who stood in sharp contrast to the wholesome topless women of the car wash.

Additionally, an 11th-hour attempt by the developers to revoke the girls' car-wash license was defeated when Thadwick, brandishing a fistful of intimidating-looking forms from the County Assessor's office, was pushed into a swimming pool by pro-orphanage community members.

"Kelli and her bimbo friends haven't heard the last of J. Phineas Thadwick III!" a visibly humiliated Thadwick told reporters during the victory volleyball celebration that immediately followed his soaking-wet defeat. "Just look at this suit! It's ruined!"

Dee said she couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. "We saved the orphanage, I made a lot of new friends, and practically everybody in town saw me naked from the waist up on multiple occasions," she said. "What more could a simple Iowa girl want?"

Dee's future plans include taking voice lessons, helping her aunt around the orphanage, and dating a boy so shy and nerdy that he assumed a sexy dreamgirl like her would never even look at him.

"Ironically, the fact that he is so shy and nerdy is the very reason I like him," she said.

A documentary about the struggle to save the orphanage is currently being filmed by New Line Cinema and should be available in the "Wild Comedy" section of Blockbuster Video by the end of the year.

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