Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

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Vol 32 Issue 16

Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."

Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins. Billions of suicides worldwide are expected to result from the announcement.

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported cost of $1.75. "I am very pleased with this newest purchase," Hundt told reporters. "I am confident that this eclair, like others I have previously acquired, will provide me with great eating enjoyment." Hundt had previously made news with his 1995 landmark purchase of a four-foot party sub from Hungry Howie’s and a May ’97 20-nugget deal with the McDonald’s corporation.

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less than a month by his immediate supervisor, presidential second-shift crew manager Diane Helbke. It was the third such incident this pay period for the embattled president.
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Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

VAN NUYS, CA—The forces of morally upstanding civic involvement and partial nudity won out over corporate greed Saturday when a group of charitable, concerned citizens—all voluptuous young women between the ages of 19 and 23—saved a local orphanage from foreclosure at the hands of uncaring real-estate agents by holding a bikini car wash.

Two of the nubile, civic-minded citizens who came to the aid of the orphanage.

"By slapping each other's firm, curvaceous, tanned bodies with sopping, sudsy sponges and cavorting gleefully as we lathered cars to a gleaming sheen, my friends and I were thankfully able to generate enough community interest to raise the funds necessary to save the orphanage," said Van Nuys-area bleach-blonde bombshell Kelli Dee, the woman credited with leading the charity effort, at a poolside press conference Monday. "I'm just glad the people of this city rallied so enthusiastically around our cause. They have proven that, even in these cynical times, people still care about what's truly important: helping kids."

For her efforts, Dee was given the Van Nuys Civic Association's Upstanding Citizen Award, during the acceptance of which her left breast briefly spilled from her sun dress, momentarily revealing her taut nipple to the cheering crowd.

Dee, sources said, first became involved in the fight to save the orphanage just one week ago, when she arrived in Southern California to live with her long-lost Aunt Muriel while pursuing her dream of becoming a model and actress.

"Imagine my surprise," a smiling Dee told reporters, "when, upon showing up at the address I'd been given by my aunt, I found that it was actually a church orphanage, and that Aunt Muriel, who had quite a reputation as a 'party girl' back in her day, was now Sister Muriel the nun!"

But the mood of jubilant reunion quickly turned sour when Dee learned that the orphanage, Holy Mother Of Christ In Heaven Nunnery And Home For Wayward Waifs, was in danger of being bulldozed by heartless real-estate developer J. Phineas Thadwick III to make room for a celebrity-themed chain restaurant and bar.

"He said we only had one week to pay the overdue mortgage," Sister Muriel said. "Kelli, God bless her, wanted to help, but she was penniless. Every last cent she had left over after her extensive series of breast-augmentation surgeries went toward paying for the bus ticket here from Iowa."

All seemed lost, Dee said, until she convinced her new friends from the beach to help raise the money by holding a car wash. "At first they didn't accept me and were sure my idea would never work," she said. "But after a giggly pillow fight, during which we playfully tugged off each other's flimsy nighties, I was able to earn their trust."

Defying the odds, the girls' entrepreneurial fund-raising scheme ultimately paid off.

"Normally, I'd feel a sick sense of self-abasing shame for ogling such blatantly gratuitous female nudity," said customer Norm Radchek, who had his car scrubbed clean an estimated two dozen times during the weekend event. "But luckily, the knowledge that it was all for the sake of the orphanage enabled me to maintain the moral high ground while doing so."

Sister Muriel praised her niece's generosity and dedication to the orphanage. "It was very brave of Kelli to selflessly press her soapy, thonged butt cheeks against the cars' windshields for a good cause," she said. "I thank heaven that the young ladies' skimpy swimwear was able to raise so much awareness and help these poor children."

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response generated by the car wash, success did not come easily. Before the money could be raised, the girls first had to overcome a number of attempts by Thadwick and his real-estate cronies to sabotage the event.

Among the developers' more ruthless ploys to lure potential customers away from the fundraiser: the organization of a wet T-shirt contest across the street using a rival group of "slutty" topless women who stood in sharp contrast to the wholesome topless women of the car wash.

Additionally, an 11th-hour attempt by the developers to revoke the girls' car-wash license was defeated when Thadwick, brandishing a fistful of intimidating-looking forms from the County Assessor's office, was pushed into a swimming pool by pro-orphanage community members.

"Kelli and her bimbo friends haven't heard the last of J. Phineas Thadwick III!" a visibly humiliated Thadwick told reporters during the victory volleyball celebration that immediately followed his soaking-wet defeat. "Just look at this suit! It's ruined!"

Dee said she couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. "We saved the orphanage, I made a lot of new friends, and practically everybody in town saw me naked from the waist up on multiple occasions," she said. "What more could a simple Iowa girl want?"

Dee's future plans include taking voice lessons, helping her aunt around the orphanage, and dating a boy so shy and nerdy that he assumed a sexy dreamgirl like her would never even look at him.

"Ironically, the fact that he is so shy and nerdy is the very reason I like him," she said.

A documentary about the struggle to save the orphanage is currently being filmed by New Line Cinema and should be available in the "Wild Comedy" section of Blockbuster Video by the end of the year.

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