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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit For Crocodile Hunter's Death

Millions worldwide were stunned by the September death of Steve Irwin, TV's Crocodile Hunter, and were further shocked by the release of a videotaped message from Osama bin Laden, in which the al-Qaeda leader took responsibility for the Australian wildlife enthusiast's death.

"We have no compassion for those who exploit Allah's creation for their own gain and glory, and we will continue to strike with righteous barbs into the oppressors' hearts," bin Laden said. The videotape was released to the Australian Animal Planet channel on Sept. 9, five days after Irwin's death. "Praise be to Allah, who permitted the wronged to retaliate against the oppressor in kind!"

While Irwin's family has not commented on the statement, Australian Prime Minister John Howard denounced the act shortly after Irwin's funeral.

"Our nation has lost a wonderful man and a colorful native son," Howard told a grieving crowd of thousands in Sydney. "I urge President Bush to resume the hunt for this deranged madman bin Laden."

To prevent possible additional terrorist attacks on other daytime cable TV personalities, heavy security details have been placed around What Not To Wear's Stacy London, the Food Network's Paula Deen, the American Chopper guys, and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

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