Oscar Pistorius

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Oscar Pistorius

Track and Field, 400m — South Africa

Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him

Mental Strategy: Dominates paralympic competitions once in a while just for a quick morale boost

Leg Features: Drops oil slicks to trip up approaching runners; satisfying “sproing!” noise

Mandatory Clapping Duration For His Inspiring Bravery When He Finishes 70 Meters Behind Everyone Else: 35 seconds

Background: Pistorius’ childhood doctor, Gerry Versfeld, is really good at amputating little boys’ legs and enjoys it very much

NEXT: Sir Chris Hoy

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