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Oscar Pistorius

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Oscar Pistorius

Track and Field, 400m — South Africa

Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him

Mental Strategy: Dominates paralympic competitions once in a while just for a quick morale boost

Leg Features: Drops oil slicks to trip up approaching runners; satisfying “sproing!” noise

Mandatory Clapping Duration For His Inspiring Bravery When He Finishes 70 Meters Behind Everyone Else: 35 seconds

Background: Pistorius’ childhood doctor, Gerry Versfeld, is really good at amputating little boys’ legs and enjoys it very much

NEXT: Sir Chris Hoy

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