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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Oscar Pistorius

Track and Field, 400m — South Africa

Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him

Mental Strategy: Dominates paralympic competitions once in a while just for a quick morale boost

Leg Features: Drops oil slicks to trip up approaching runners; satisfying “sproing!” noise

Mandatory Clapping Duration For His Inspiring Bravery When He Finishes 70 Meters Behind Everyone Else: 35 seconds

Background: Pistorius’ childhood doctor, Gerry Versfeld, is really good at amputating little boys’ legs and enjoys it very much

NEXT: Sir Chris Hoy

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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