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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Oscar Pistorius Swears Bloody Cricket Bat From Different Murder

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Facing allegations that he killed girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp during a dispute at his Pretoria mansion last week, track star Oscar Pistorius swore before a judge Monday that a bloodied cricket bat found on his property was in fact used in a completely different murder. “Honest to God, I never used that bat on Reeva—you have to believe me,” the double amputee said of the blood-soaked wooden paddle, claiming he had only ever used it in the 2011 slaying of a Johannesburg prostitute and “a handful” of cricket matches. “Seriously, I haven’t even seen that thing since I killed a hooker with it. To be honest, I forgot I still had it lying around.” According to sources, Pistorius went on to claim that Steenkamp’s skull was already caved in before he shot her four times.

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