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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Oscars Attendees Cower In Awe As Disembodied, All-Knowing Voice Proclaims Information About Nominees

LOS ANGELES—Frozen in dread and astonishment as its sonorous pronouncements filled the Dolby Theatre auditorium Sunday evening, attendees of the 86th Academy Awards reportedly cowered in stunned awe as a disembodied, all-knowing voice proclaimed a range of information on the ceremony’s nominees. “Cate Blanchett is nominated for Best Actress for her role in Blue Jasmine,” the all-mighty, all-seeing incorporeal voice declared before thousands of dumbfounded onlookers, having previously expounded on such matters as the names of the show’s presenters, the awards that will be handed out after commercial breaks in the telecast, and Christian Bale’s filmography. “She previously has been nominated for an Academy Award four times, including a win for Best Supporting Actress in 2004 for her role in The Aviator.” At press time, the resounding, omniscient voice of no known earthly origin was sending terrified shudders through the crowd by welcoming to the stage Grammy Award–winning recording artist and two-time Oscar nominee Bette Midler.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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