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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Oscars Attendees Cower In Awe As Disembodied, All-Knowing Voice Proclaims Information About Nominees

LOS ANGELES—Frozen in dread and astonishment as its sonorous pronouncements filled the Dolby Theatre auditorium Sunday evening, attendees of the 86th Academy Awards reportedly cowered in stunned awe as a disembodied, all-knowing voice proclaimed a range of information on the ceremony’s nominees. “Cate Blanchett is nominated for Best Actress for her role in Blue Jasmine,” the all-mighty, all-seeing incorporeal voice declared before thousands of dumbfounded onlookers, having previously expounded on such matters as the names of the show’s presenters, the awards that will be handed out after commercial breaks in the telecast, and Christian Bale’s filmography. “She previously has been nominated for an Academy Award four times, including a win for Best Supporting Actress in 2004 for her role in The Aviator.” At press time, the resounding, omniscient voice of no known earthly origin was sending terrified shudders through the crowd by welcoming to the stage Grammy Award–winning recording artist and two-time Oscar nominee Bette Midler.

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