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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Oscars Officials Warn Only Famous Actors Permitted To Get Political In Acceptance Speech

LOS ANGELES—In an announcement delivered shortly before the Oscars ceremony began Sunday, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president Cheryl Boone Isaacs warned the audience that only famous actors would be allowed to get political in their acceptance speeches. “I would like to remind all the nominees present tonight that only Hollywood’s A-list celebrities are permitted to make statements of a political nature while delivering their acceptance speeches,” said Boone Isaacs, noting that any lower-tier star who issues remarks against President Trump or references topics such as the role of the arts in challenging those in power or the contributions immigrants have made to Hollywood would be immediately escorted off the stage and prohibited from reentering the theater. “Even if it’s just a commonplace concern about the environment, please keep it to yourself. And if you’re nominated in any of the non-acting categories, it goes without saying that this especially applies to you.” Boone Isaacs later reportedly singled out actor Lucas Hedges, advising the Manchester By The Sea star not to “fucking try anything.”

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