adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest!

Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone!

Grab your camcorder, Flip, camera phone or other video recording device, train it on your girlfriend and dump the chick in the most awful, creative, hilarious way you can muster. Dump her where you met, get her Dad to dump her for you, train her parrot to say "It's Over". Or go crazy and hire a skywriter, or get one of those rice-painters to write a heart-rending break-up note on a grain of rice. Whatever you do, dump her and make sure it looks awesome!

Check out these testimonials from some very satisfied Dumpers on how freeing losing their lady was:

  • Chris from Connecticut: "Best thing I ever did. She was always bothering me about wearing clean clothes and brushing my teeth and stuff. I've felt kind of greasy and I've gained some weight since I did it, but yeah. Cool."
  • Matt from Pennsylvania: "Had a great idea for dumping my gf: killed the flowers in her precious garden with lye in the shape of the letters 'See Ya Bitch'. So I did it and then she saw it and just cried and cried. It worked at least."
  • Sam from Washington: "While I was with Stacey I was really confident I could find someone better. So now I finally have my chance! It hasn't worked out yet but odds are I'll find someone else. I definitely miss her though."
  • Dan from California: "My first thought was 'what have I done?' Then I sent in the video of me hitting Sarah in the face with a pie and OSN sent me a T-shirt with the Dump Your Girlfriend logo and I was like 'oh.'"

Awesome! Remember, we're only giving away tickets to March Madness one at a time. Lose the baggage and head to Houston solo-style. You'll be glad you did.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close