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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest!

Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone!

Grab your camcorder, Flip, camera phone or other video recording device, train it on your girlfriend and dump the chick in the most awful, creative, hilarious way you can muster. Dump her where you met, get her Dad to dump her for you, train her parrot to say "It's Over". Or go crazy and hire a skywriter, or get one of those rice-painters to write a heart-rending break-up note on a grain of rice. Whatever you do, dump her and make sure it looks awesome!

Check out these testimonials from some very satisfied Dumpers on how freeing losing their lady was:

  • Chris from Connecticut: "Best thing I ever did. She was always bothering me about wearing clean clothes and brushing my teeth and stuff. I've felt kind of greasy and I've gained some weight since I did it, but yeah. Cool."
  • Matt from Pennsylvania: "Had a great idea for dumping my gf: killed the flowers in her precious garden with lye in the shape of the letters 'See Ya Bitch'. So I did it and then she saw it and just cried and cried. It worked at least."
  • Sam from Washington: "While I was with Stacey I was really confident I could find someone better. So now I finally have my chance! It hasn't worked out yet but odds are I'll find someone else. I definitely miss her though."
  • Dan from California: "My first thought was 'what have I done?' Then I sent in the video of me hitting Sarah in the face with a pie and OSN sent me a T-shirt with the Dump Your Girlfriend logo and I was like 'oh.'"

Awesome! Remember, we're only giving away tickets to March Madness one at a time. Lose the baggage and head to Houston solo-style. You'll be glad you did.

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