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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

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