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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny

LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha Saldana’s suicide last week, ward nurse Lynn Parker, who also spoke to the pair of radio hosts, told reporters Monday that she thought the prank was actually pretty funny. “I have to admit I had a pretty good laugh over it,” said the nurse, adding that the two DJs “really had [her] going there for a moment.” “The whole thing was very well done; they really nailed those impressions. I went back and listened to a few archived episodes, too, and I’m a pretty big fan of the show now.” Parker went on to tell reporters that the whole incident “really made” her week.

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