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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny

LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha Saldana’s suicide last week, ward nurse Lynn Parker, who also spoke to the pair of radio hosts, told reporters Monday that she thought the prank was actually pretty funny. “I have to admit I had a pretty good laugh over it,” said the nurse, adding that the two DJs “really had [her] going there for a moment.” “The whole thing was very well done; they really nailed those impressions. I went back and listened to a few archived episodes, too, and I’m a pretty big fan of the show now.” Parker went on to tell reporters that the whole incident “really made” her week.

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