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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny

LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha Saldana’s suicide last week, ward nurse Lynn Parker, who also spoke to the pair of radio hosts, told reporters Monday that she thought the prank was actually pretty funny. “I have to admit I had a pretty good laugh over it,” said the nurse, adding that the two DJs “really had [her] going there for a moment.” “The whole thing was very well done; they really nailed those impressions. I went back and listened to a few archived episodes, too, and I’m a pretty big fan of the show now.” Parker went on to tell reporters that the whole incident “really made” her week.

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