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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again

DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised to give her lush, long, waterproof lashes. “Goddamn it!” a mascara-streaked Overton said as she threw another 0.8-ounce tube of Maybelline into the garbage. “I’m not an idiot. I have a law degree, for Christ’s sake. I know good and well it’s physically impossible for makeup to lengthen eyelashes, but every fucking time I see a commercial for a new mascara, I fall for it.” At press time, Overton was digging through the trash for the product’s directions to see if she was supposed to have shaken it first or perhaps let it dry between each coat.

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