adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again

DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised to give her lush, long, waterproof lashes. “Goddamn it!” a mascara-streaked Overton said as she threw another 0.8-ounce tube of Maybelline into the garbage. “I’m not an idiot. I have a law degree, for Christ’s sake. I know good and well it’s physically impossible for makeup to lengthen eyelashes, but every fucking time I see a commercial for a new mascara, I fall for it.” At press time, Overton was digging through the trash for the product’s directions to see if she was supposed to have shaken it first or perhaps let it dry between each coat.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close