Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again

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Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again

DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised to give her lush, long, waterproof lashes. “Goddamn it!” a mascara-streaked Overton said as she threw another 0.8-ounce tube of Maybelline into the garbage. “I’m not an idiot. I have a law degree, for Christ’s sake. I know good and well it’s physically impossible for makeup to lengthen eyelashes, but every fucking time I see a commercial for a new mascara, I fall for it.” At press time, Overton was digging through the trash for the product’s directions to see if she was supposed to have shaken it first or perhaps let it dry between each coat.

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