adBlockCheck

Culture

Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

Attendees say the party really flew off the handle when Josh Verdin put on Grace McCowen’s wig and started doing her third-act monologue.
Attendees say the party really flew off the handle when Josh Verdin put on Grace McCowen’s wig and started doing her third-act monologue.

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Members of the Peekskill Players, who just concluded a four-show run of the play at the Old Mill Theater downtown, told reporters the festivities at the home of assistant director Rachel Mullen have only grown more out of control as the night has progressed, spurred on by a 12-pack of craft beer and a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz purchased for “the best Webbs and Gibbses the world has ever seen!”

“At first we were just talking about our favorite moments from the show and it was pretty subdued, but since about 8:30, when the kids who played Rebecca and Wally left with their parents, things have really gotten nuts,” said Jeffery Morse, 54, still wearing his stage makeup from the production, in which he portrayed Constable Warren, Grover’s Corners’ friendly sheriff. “Everyone’s still pretty hyped up from the matinee. Rachel turned up the Chicago soundtrack, the guys from the lighting crew cracked open a bottle of Seagram’s, and Grace even got up on the coffee table and belted out her solo from [the spring 2013 production of] Carousel.”

“This is definitely the wildest cast party I can remember,” Morse added. “At this rate, I might end up having to call my wife to pick me up.”

After digging into the sheet cake Mullen’s husband purchased at Wegmans and had decorated with the words “Bravo, Peekskill Players,” the 22 members of the group in attendance reportedly began signing each other’s programs, which produced a series of risqué drawings on the cast’s headshots. Sources said things got “really rip-roaring” after wardrobe master David Kelley wrote “I have a nice rack” in a speech bubble by Emma Cochran’s photo, a reference to a time she offered to bring in a clothing rack from home for his use.

According to reports, the rowdiness reached a whole new level when Mullen suggested they all go down to the basement and watch the video of last season’s performance of Brigadoon, inspiring Leslie Tobin to start a game in which everyone had to take a drink each time Dan Rankin flubbed his Scottish accent.

Meanwhile, 57-year-old Peekskill Players veteran and H&R Block associate Carla Withrow reportedly emerged from the bathroom wearing a bald cap from A Christmas Carol and had begun impersonating Our Town director Richard Burdick.

“Okay, the soda shop scene is working perfectly fine, so let’s just go ahead and run it 20 more fucking times before we call it a night,” said Withrow, pursing her lips and stroking her chin in what those present agreed was a “dead-on” impression. “Oh, and maybe we should just completely change all of the third-act blocking the day before dress rehearsal. Is everyone okay with that?”

With the party barreling on well past 11 p.m., Brian Holder was reportedly overheard saying that he “might still remember the choreo from Sweeney,” and several tipsy members of the cast were seen attempting to recreate a dance routine they learned for a production of Sweeney Todd a few years back. According to partygoers, the soirée was so far out of hand by that point that Mullen’s husband came downstairs in his robe to remind everyone he had an early morning tomorrow.

In addition, multiple guests at the party told reporters that, come to think of it, they hadn’t seen set designer Margaret Dotson or audio tech Joe Navarro since the two went out to the porch with a bottle of mescal an hour or so earlier.

“You guys, this has honestly been one of the best shows the Peekskill Players have ever done,” said house manager Kate Anderson, struggling to hold back tears as she addressed fourth-grade teacher Josh Verdin and local radio personality Anthony Fiore, both of whom were still wearing the fake beards from their Our Town costumes. “Like, everyone absolutely killed it. Even after all that bullshit with the cemetery scene, we completely nailed it.”

“Oh, my God, it’s gonna be so weird not seeing you guys every Sunday and Thursday,” Anderson continued. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do until Guys And Dolls auditions.”

At press time, sources confirmed that a third button on Carla Withrow’s prairie dress had been unfastened and she was beckoning anyone she could to dance with her in the center of the living room.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close