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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Out-Of-Control Hand Gesture Sends Bernie Sanders Tumbling Off Stage

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Thrown completely off-balance as he emphatically argued the benefits of a living wage, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was reportedly sent tumbling off stage midway through Saturday’s Democratic debate by an out-of-control hand gesture. “He started responding to a question about how to spur job creation, but he had a little too much momentum behind the hand he was waving around, which catapulted him away from his podium and toward the edge of the stage,” said audience member Faith Besler, who noted that Sanders had also been left unbalanced and staggering earlier in the debate during an exchange over campaign financing when a particularly agitated pointing motion directed at Hillary Clinton sent him careening off camera. “He probably could have stopped himself before he reached the edge, but then he really punctuated a talking point about the lack of overtime pay for low-wage workers with a wild two-handed swatting motion that caused him to pick up speed and plunge right into the audience. He was still talking about a $15 federal minimum wage after he landed on a woman a couple rows back.” At press time, Sanders had returned to the stage only to have his podium splinter and give way under the pressure of his extremely forceful slouching.

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