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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Out-Of-Control Hand Gesture Sends Bernie Sanders Tumbling Off Stage

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Thrown completely off-balance as he emphatically argued the benefits of a living wage, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was reportedly sent tumbling off stage midway through Saturday’s Democratic debate by an out-of-control hand gesture. “He started responding to a question about how to spur job creation, but he had a little too much momentum behind the hand he was waving around, which catapulted him away from his podium and toward the edge of the stage,” said audience member Faith Besler, who noted that Sanders had also been left unbalanced and staggering earlier in the debate during an exchange over campaign financing when a particularly agitated pointing motion directed at Hillary Clinton sent him careening off camera. “He probably could have stopped himself before he reached the edge, but then he really punctuated a talking point about the lack of overtime pay for low-wage workers with a wild two-handed swatting motion that caused him to pick up speed and plunge right into the audience. He was still talking about a $15 federal minimum wage after he landed on a woman a couple rows back.” At press time, Sanders had returned to the stage only to have his podium splinter and give way under the pressure of his extremely forceful slouching.

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