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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Out-Of-Control Hand Gesture Sends Bernie Sanders Tumbling Off Stage

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Thrown completely off-balance as he emphatically argued the benefits of a living wage, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was reportedly sent tumbling off stage midway through Saturday’s Democratic debate by an out-of-control hand gesture. “He started responding to a question about how to spur job creation, but he had a little too much momentum behind the hand he was waving around, which catapulted him away from his podium and toward the edge of the stage,” said audience member Faith Besler, who noted that Sanders had also been left unbalanced and staggering earlier in the debate during an exchange over campaign financing when a particularly agitated pointing motion directed at Hillary Clinton sent him careening off camera. “He probably could have stopped himself before he reached the edge, but then he really punctuated a talking point about the lack of overtime pay for low-wage workers with a wild two-handed swatting motion that caused him to pick up speed and plunge right into the audience. He was still talking about a $15 federal minimum wage after he landed on a woman a couple rows back.” At press time, Sanders had returned to the stage only to have his podium splinter and give way under the pressure of his extremely forceful slouching.

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