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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration

FORT MILL, SC—Subjecting his body to intense and highly dangerous levels of stress, an out-of-control Scott Walker was said to be severely hurt Monday after careening wildly between several different stances on immigration. “The human frame simply isn’t meant to handle the kind of physical strain that Governor Walker imposed on himself by veering so quickly and so recklessly between contradictory viewpoints,” said physician James Soroka, who added that the injuries the candidate suffered after he attempted multiple 180-degree pivots in rapid succession on the issue of birthright citizenship were some of the worst he had ever seen on the campaign trail. “Occasionally you see a candidate try something like this, thinking they’re invincible, but no one can tumble that violently across the political spectrum and walk away unharmed. Sadly, the trauma was so severe that he may never make a full recovery.” At press time, Walker had reportedly been severed in half at the torso while attempting to simultaneously hold two completely divergent positions on economic inequality.

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