Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration

FORT MILL, SC—Subjecting his body to intense and highly dangerous levels of stress, an out-of-control Scott Walker was said to be severely hurt Monday after careening wildly between several different stances on immigration. “The human frame simply isn’t meant to handle the kind of physical strain that Governor Walker imposed on himself by veering so quickly and so recklessly between contradictory viewpoints,” said physician James Soroka, who added that the injuries the candidate suffered after he attempted multiple 180-degree pivots in rapid succession on the issue of birthright citizenship were some of the worst he had ever seen on the campaign trail. “Occasionally you see a candidate try something like this, thinking they’re invincible, but no one can tumble that violently across the political spectrum and walk away unharmed. Sadly, the trauma was so severe that he may never make a full recovery.” At press time, Walker had reportedly been severed in half at the torso while attempting to simultaneously hold two completely divergent positions on economic inequality.

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