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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Out-Of-Control Conversation Safely Turned Back Onto Self

HARRISBURG, PA—A runaway conversation was successfully returned to its proper subject Saturday when 36-year-old Clark Hanneford regained control of a post-work chat session that had errantly strayed from the topic of him. “It was pretty scary for a second there,” the shaken-but-safe Hanneford said following the ordeal. “The talk was comfortably centered around me and my guitar playing, when out of nowhere Gary starts talking about his family. Luckily I was able to keep my wits about me and steer the focus back to myself and what it was like growing up in a small town in Pennsylvania.” Though rattled by the experience, Hanneford said he feels better equipped to react if he is ever momentarily not the sole focus of attention again.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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