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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Out-Of-Control Conversation Safely Turned Back Onto Self

HARRISBURG, PA—A runaway conversation was successfully returned to its proper subject Saturday when 36-year-old Clark Hanneford regained control of a post-work chat session that had errantly strayed from the topic of him. “It was pretty scary for a second there,” the shaken-but-safe Hanneford said following the ordeal. “The talk was comfortably centered around me and my guitar playing, when out of nowhere Gary starts talking about his family. Luckily I was able to keep my wits about me and steer the focus back to myself and what it was like growing up in a small town in Pennsylvania.” Though rattled by the experience, Hanneford said he feels better equipped to react if he is ever momentarily not the sole focus of attention again.

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