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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Out-Of-Control Conversation Safely Turned Back Onto Self

HARRISBURG, PA—A runaway conversation was successfully returned to its proper subject Saturday when 36-year-old Clark Hanneford regained control of a post-work chat session that had errantly strayed from the topic of him. “It was pretty scary for a second there,” the shaken-but-safe Hanneford said following the ordeal. “The talk was comfortably centered around me and my guitar playing, when out of nowhere Gary starts talking about his family. Luckily I was able to keep my wits about me and steer the focus back to myself and what it was like growing up in a small town in Pennsylvania.” Though rattled by the experience, Hanneford said he feels better equipped to react if he is ever momentarily not the sole focus of attention again.

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