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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data

ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control group—a sampling of participants selected for their violent tendencies and inability to follow simple instructions—grew restless and destroyed expensive brain-wave scanners crucial to the project. "Unfortunately, half the group didn't even show up, and the other half brought their friends with them," lead researcher Dr. Adrienne Gatspur said. "Later, we discovered they had broken into the medicine closet and loaded up on God-knows-what, so our results wouldn't be valid anyway, even if they hadn't torched all our data sheets. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to have an out-of-control group." At press time, the out-of-control group had broken out of the clinic and was roaming the streets of Atlanta, terrorizing tourists and looking for another medical study to join.

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