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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data

ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control group—a sampling of participants selected for their violent tendencies and inability to follow simple instructions—grew restless and destroyed expensive brain-wave scanners crucial to the project. "Unfortunately, half the group didn't even show up, and the other half brought their friends with them," lead researcher Dr. Adrienne Gatspur said. "Later, we discovered they had broken into the medicine closet and loaded up on God-knows-what, so our results wouldn't be valid anyway, even if they hadn't torched all our data sheets. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to have an out-of-control group." At press time, the out-of-control group had broken out of the clinic and was roaming the streets of Atlanta, terrorizing tourists and looking for another medical study to join.

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