Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

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Vol 31 Issue 06

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less than 12 percent" to 1997 income-tax payments. "We work hard," IRS director Hiram Stockton said, "and, apparently, many taxpayers don't realize that IRS agents rely on tips to make ends meet." The new era of mandatory tipping is expected to be a boon for IRS agents, many of whom say they could not subsist on the voluntary, often-meager tips of the past. "We process forms in a timely fashion, send out refunds promptly, and always stop by each taxpayer's home to ask, 'Is everything all right here? Can I get you anything else?' as often as we can during the tax-filing season," IRS processing agent XJRC-1582H-GY3-5 said. Families with eight or more dependents will have a 20 percent gratuity automatically added to their tax bill. Failure to tip will result in a $50,000 fine and/or up to 15 years in federal prison.

Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony watching her great, fat lips make mush of the effervescent prose of Horatio Alger.

Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?

Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

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