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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

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