Out-Of-Work P.R. Exec Has Great Things To Say About Unemployment

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Vol 37 Issue 26

Area Love Knows Only Court-Ordered Bounds

COLUMBUS, OH–The passionate love felt by Columbus resident Jonathan Duffy for Ohio State University graduate student Danielle Graves can be stopped by no force outside the ruling of Fifth Circuit Court Judge Harlan Jameson, Duffy said Monday. "Wild horses cannot drag me away from the 100-yard perimeter I've carefully measured around her property," said Duffy, finishing a collage of photos of Graves walking to and from classes, watering her lawn, and ducking behind neighbors' houses. "No court-appointed psychiatrist can medicate away the love a man feels for his spirit bride."

Non-Alcoholic Beer Inventor Unveils New Non-Adhesive Glue

ST. LOUIS–Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber.

Few Animals Harmed In Making Of Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Producers of the upcoming Sony Pictures historical epic Genghis Khan assured animal-rights activists Monday that "practically no animals were harmed in the making of the film." "The Humane Society and SPCA will be pleased to know that, of the 1,600-plus horses used in Khan's climactic battle sequence, almost none were injured," executive producer David Shell said. "And of those, only a small handful sustained injuries that could be categorized as, you know, serious." Shell noted that the albino Siberian tiger used as the beloved pet of Genghis Khan's enemy "probably would have eventually been beheaded in nature, anyway."

With Friends Like These...

Until recently, I never really believed much in the generation gap. I figured, if you're young at heart (and I like to think that my heart is 19 years old, blonde, and gorgeous!), a person's age means little. But, after getting to know my downstairs neighbors, I'm starting to see why the old fogies get a little frustrated with young people: They can be pretty "out there" sometimes!

Honoring The King of Pop

On Sept. 7, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Destiny’s Child, and other superstars will gather at Madison Square Garden for a concert paying tribute to Michael Jackson. What is planned for the event?

The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?
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Out-Of-Work P.R. Exec Has Great Things To Say About Unemployment

IRVINE, CA–Calling his current jobless status "an exciting, much-needed opportunity to reassess my direction in life," former Porter Novelli public-relations executive Josh Wallace has great things to say about unemployment.

Unemployed public-relations executive Josh Wallace enjoys his current "occupational freedom."

"Bringing closure to my relationship with Porter Novelli was the best thing that could have happened to me," the 36-year-old Wallace said Monday, his kitchen table piled high with classifieds sections and drafts of cover letters. "It opened up my future to any and all options. I now have the chance to reconfigure myself literally any way I dream."

Despite his excitement over his current situation, Wallace admitted he was surprised when he was laid off from Porter Novelli, where, since October 1995, he had been "helping clients meet their brand-building and reputation-management needs through creativity in thinking and execution."

"That particular move on [Porter Novelli's] part definitely was not expected. But in the post-economic boom, the company needed to streamline operations and free up certain employees to multitask," said Wallace, who on May 15 was given three weeks' severance pay and asked to return any company-owned materials to the first-floor receptionist. "I wasn't fired so much as my job was one of the positions phased out through the outsourcing of certain activities and the restructured insourcing of others."

Eager to "reassess my career path" and "concretize my goals," Wallace said he is "thrilled to be offsite."

"Occupational freedom is exactly what I need at this juncture," Wallace said. "A few days of just sitting back on the couch made me see how much I needed some time to visualize exactly where I wanted to go with respect to my career."

Added Wallace: "After much serious thought, I'm confident in saying I eventually want to go back to work in public relations."

In the 10 weeks since his layoff, Wallace has sent out nearly 100 resumes, all without luck. But in spite of the lack of job prospects, Wallace's spirits are high.

"I'm completely recharged and rejuvenated," Wallace said. "When I do land my next job, I'll be going in with so much more energy than the people already at the company. There's a fresh, outsider perspective I bring to the table, thanks to my spending this time as part of the non-working world."

Unemployment, Wallace said, has enabled him to do many things he'd never found time for while working 40 hours a week.

"For one thing, I've had the opportunity to see some top-flight daytime programming I never knew existed," Wallace said. "I also went out jogging several times, and I plan to go more, now that I've discovered how great it makes me feel."

"I've really rediscovered the simpler things in life," Wallace continued. "Who knew the pleasures to be found in just taking a walk around the city? Or walking around the mall for a few hours? Or driving down to the gas station for a sandwich? That's what I did earlier today, and it was great, absolutely great. There's lots of tremendous stuff to see at the gas station, if you just take the time to notice."

Recently, Wallace took advantage of his "freed-up schedule" by visiting his parents in Bakersfield.

"Josh just showed up in the middle of the day and surprised us," Wallace's mother Elaine said. "He kept saying something about wanting to 'touch base and make sure the whole family's all on the same page,' which I didn't really understand, but other than that it was a nice visit."

Added Elaine: "A full week was maybe a little long for him to stay, just sitting up there in his old room like that. But I wasn't going to say anything. Not when he's having such a terrible time of it."

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