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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business. "Since the first documented sightings in Indianapolis last week, we have observed a sharp increase in yowzas and hubba-hubbas emanating from the Midwest, with a wave of homina-homina-hominas now rippling toward both coasts," DHW Secretary Rod Akers told reporters, warning that pulled-collar rates were at dangerously high levels nationwide. "Until the blonde is safely out of sight or medical professionals can adequately treat the growing number of eyes bulging from sockets, I would like to reiterate: Ahhh-ooooooga!" As of press time, the blonde had reportedly told nearby fellas not to get their shorts all in a bundle, releasing a highly contagious strain of "Hello, nurse!"

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