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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business. "Since the first documented sightings in Indianapolis last week, we have observed a sharp increase in yowzas and hubba-hubbas emanating from the Midwest, with a wave of homina-homina-hominas now rippling toward both coasts," DHW Secretary Rod Akers told reporters, warning that pulled-collar rates were at dangerously high levels nationwide. "Until the blonde is safely out of sight or medical professionals can adequately treat the growing number of eyes bulging from sockets, I would like to reiterate: Ahhh-ooooooga!" As of press time, the blonde had reportedly told nearby fellas not to get their shorts all in a bundle, releasing a highly contagious strain of "Hello, nurse!"

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