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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Outdoor Movie Guest Excited To Watch Barely Audible ‘Back To The Future’ While Sitting On Tree Root

CHARLOTTE, NC—Thrilled at the prospect of having to constantly reposition himself while straining to hear the movie’s dialogue, local man Sam Weber was excited Friday to watch a barely audible outdoor screening of Back To The Future from atop a hard, knobby tree root, sources reported. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to tiptoe around hundreds of people’s blankets before realizing the only free spot is on some root that sticks a few inches out of the ground and which will dig into my flesh for two hours,” said Weber, adding that while he’d already seen the sci-fi comedy classic many times, he was looking forward to experiencing it faintly projected onto a canvas hung far off in the distance as moisture from the grass steadily soaks through his pants. “And if I’m lucky, I won’t be able to hear any of the movie’s famous lines at all over the group of teenagers joking and laughing at each other on the next blanket. Who knows—maybe it’ll rain!” Weber went on to admit that he couldn’t wait to enjoy the thrilling climax of the movie while simultaneously shivering and swatting away mosquitos.


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