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Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller's heinous crimes against the sport, those close to the outgoing NFL commissioner say he is seriously considering using his powers to pardon Miller before leaving office. "Tagliabue knows that hard-line fans still want vengeance for Dennis Miller's constant clumsy references to the Battle of Thermopylae, Truman Capote novels, quantum physics, I Love Lucy, and everything else while they were just trying to enjoy Monday Night Football," said a source in NFL management who wishes to remain nameless. "In Paul's mind, the question is whether Miller's sentence is about vengeance or personal rehabilitation—not that anyone wants to see Miller on television calling a game again, if at all." An informal poll of Miller's 125 million formal victims indicated that over 85 percent would support Tagliabue if he granted Miller the death penalty.

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