Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

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Vol 42 Issue 32

Pluto Not A Planet?

Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?

Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think?

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Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller's heinous crimes against the sport, those close to the outgoing NFL commissioner say he is seriously considering using his powers to pardon Miller before leaving office. "Tagliabue knows that hard-line fans still want vengeance for Dennis Miller's constant clumsy references to the Battle of Thermopylae, Truman Capote novels, quantum physics, I Love Lucy, and everything else while they were just trying to enjoy Monday Night Football," said a source in NFL management who wishes to remain nameless. "In Paul's mind, the question is whether Miller's sentence is about vengeance or personal rehabilitation—not that anyone wants to see Miller on television calling a game again, if at all." An informal poll of Miller's 125 million formal victims indicated that over 85 percent would support Tagliabue if he granted Miller the death penalty.

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