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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller's heinous crimes against the sport, those close to the outgoing NFL commissioner say he is seriously considering using his powers to pardon Miller before leaving office. "Tagliabue knows that hard-line fans still want vengeance for Dennis Miller's constant clumsy references to the Battle of Thermopylae, Truman Capote novels, quantum physics, I Love Lucy, and everything else while they were just trying to enjoy Monday Night Football," said a source in NFL management who wishes to remain nameless. "In Paul's mind, the question is whether Miller's sentence is about vengeance or personal rehabilitation—not that anyone wants to see Miller on television calling a game again, if at all." An informal poll of Miller's 125 million formal victims indicated that over 85 percent would support Tagliabue if he granted Miller the death penalty.

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