Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch

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Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch

AUSTIN, TX—Lance Armstrong, the ultra-competitive seven-time Tour de France champion who recently ran the New York Marathon in under three hours, held a press conference Tuesday to announce that he will be taking the next three months to prepare for a rematch against the opponent with whom he is most often identified: cancer.

"I owe it to myself, to my fans, and to cancer's opponents around the world to prove that I can beat this deadly disease once again," said Armstrong, who says he has nothing to fear from once again facing the nemesis that defined him as an athlete. "We took each other to the edge the last time we met in 1996, and you almost ended my career. Even if you have what it takes to face me again, I'm willing to bet everything you still don't have what it takes to bring me down."

Armstrong added that, with all the free time he has had as of late, he has been seeking out cancer everywhere, including the American Cancer Society, the Mayo Clinic, the oncology ward at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, and most recently, on the streets of New York City.

"I can't deny that cancer got a piece of me last time," Armstrong said. "A big piece of me. I think about it every day. But once I got done with cancer, it was nowhere to be found. It disappeared. Well, cancer, you know where to find me. I can beat you again in six—no, in three months."

"I want cancer," Armstrong added. "I want cancer so bad I can almost taste it."

Cancer, the much-feared disease that has defeated legendary athletes such as Floyd Patterson, Lyle Alzado, and Walter Payton, is the second-leading cause of death in the United States, and is 0-1 when battling Lance Armstrong. However, Armstrong said he would like to beat cancer more convincingly, saying that the first time he faced off against cancer's flurry of histological attacks, the disease dealt him a "cheap blow below the belt."

"You have to hand it to cancer," Armstrong said. "It snuck up on me and certainly changed my life forever. But this time, through intense physical and mental preparation, I am going to show it what Lance Armstrong is all about."

"It will take dedication, no doubt about it," Armstrong added, noting that he is also committed to sleeping 17 hours a day. "But I live for competition. And everyone who knows me knows that the physical and emotional ordeals I endure are what I thrive on."

The world-class athlete claims he is open to any sort of challenge the disease can offer him, although he hopes this time cancer comes at him in a way that will "really push [him] to the brink."

"I wouldn't mind something like brain or lung [cancer], but I think cancer is going to surprise me with something different like a case of acute lymphocytic leukemia or even something in my pancreas," Armstrong said. "It never hits the same way twice. Either way, I give myself a 100 percent chance of survival."

"I got cancer once," Armstrong added, gesturing defiantly towards the cameras. "I bet I can get it twice as good this time."

Armstrong has already come under criticism from sportswriters and epidemiologists who say that Armstrong is attempting to relive his glory days.

"Lance is a proud man, and no one doubts him for a second, but this cancer thing is just eating away at his insides," said University of Texas epidemiologist Graham Heatherington, who trained Armstrong for his first bout with cancer in 1996. "I think by taking on cancer again, he's trying to tell the world he's not ready to lie down and die just yet."

"What, do you think he's afraid to do what he has to do?" said Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, a longtime Armstrong supporter. "Go on a strict daily regimen of diet and exercise? Shave his head? Get chemotherapy till he throws up and can no longer stand? He's done it once, and we love him for it. You know what? I for one hope he gets cancer again. I hope he gets it good this time."

"It'll be good for the sport," Reilly added.

Although Armstrong's friends and family, especially his mother Linda Armstrong Kelly, wish he would reconsider his decision to battle cancer again, they nonetheless say that they will be there to support him and stick by his bedside until the bitter end.

"Frankly, I don't think he has anything to prove," Kelly said. "I should have known years ago that he would eventually try to get cancer again."

"Hopefully, he beats it," she added.

Armstrong, who has not ruled out injecting himself with known carcinogens if the disease fails to accept his challenge within the next two weeks, denied that he was doing it for publicity.

"My only hope," Armstrong said before concluding the press conference, "is that by once again beating cancer, I can help raise awareness for cancer."