adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Over-Optimistic NFL Doctor Says Injured Bills Player Kevin Everett Will Fly Out Of Hospital

HOUSTON—Less than a month after Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett suffered a life-threatening dislocation and fracture of his cervical spine that was predicted to leave him with permanent neurological damage, enthusiastic National Football League physicians attending him at Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital have announced that Everett will not only make a full recovery from injury, but will most likely gain the power of flight and soar out of the hospital under his own power.

"What we're seeing in Kevin's case is proof that the serious-injury recovery rate in pro football is nowhere near as serious as people have come to believe," Dr. Robert Homburg, a neurosurgeon assigned to Everett's case by the National Football League, said while pointing at the wings he had drawn on Everett's spinal X-rays. "Not only will Kevin be able to walk out of the hospital, he actually won't have to, as he will heal so completely that he will be better than he was before and will almost certainly be able to fly out unassisted."

"I don't think I'd be exaggerating Kevin's prognosis if I said we're looking at a 200% recovery here," Homburg added.

Just days ago, physician Teodoro Castillo, Everett's original physician, said the injury was "extremely severe" but that healing was progressing surprisingly well, pointing to Everett's ability to sit up without difficulty and even move his right arm slightly as evidence that he might someday walk without difficulty. Upon being told of Homburg's claims, Castillo said the recovery would be a "staged process of indeterminate length" and that flying was almost certainly out of the question.

"While it's true I have treated few players with Kevin's level of physical conditioning and mental resilience, I don't think it's fair for the NFL's doctor to tell him that he'll be able to fly," Castillo said Wednesday. "First of all, the trauma to his spinal cord was so extreme that we had to inject chilled saline into his body to induce healing. Second, no matter what Dr. Homburg says, people cannot just grow wings and fly, period, and to tell Kevin that is cruel. He probably won't even play football again."

Dr. Homburg said that, while he appreciated Castillo's cautious approach, he was only in partial agreement with his colleague.

"Sadly, I'm afraid it's true that Kevin will never play football again—the league cannot afford to give the Bills the sort of unfair competitive advantage a flying tight end would offer them," Homburg said. "It's a lot like how Steve Young and Troy Aikman had to retire when their concussions gave them telekinesis and the power to stop time. Still, for Castillo to just dismiss the idea of Kevin's more-than-complete recovery out of hand is cynical and unprofessional. Like many injury-related issues, while it may be based on sound medical practices, it goes against everything the NFL is about."

"Also, I should make it clear that I'm not saying Kevin will actually 'just grow wings and fly,'" he added. "It could be from magic, a rare form of spinal helicopter blades, or small jet boosters emerging from his feet. We have to keep an open mind about this."

Reactions to the news from around the league were mixed, with the NFL's front office sending Everett and Homburg their congratulations on his full recovery; players' union executive director Gene Upshaw saying that any further medical complications in Everett's case would be interpreted as the result of improper flight procedures and would result in the cancellation of his NFLPA benefits and pension, if any; and Everett's fellow Buffalo Bills players responding with a stunned silence born of disbelief and, presumably, joy.

For his part, Everett is determined to stay positive.

"I'm just taking things one day at a time," Everett said from his hospital bed, where he is preparing to begin physical therapy and doing his best to ignore the multiple news reports about his injury. "I heard that some league doctor had said some good things about me, and I guess that's nice. I'll walk out of this place, just you watch. But just between you and me, sometimes I think those NFL medical guys are a bunch of goddamn liars."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close