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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Overacting Manu Ginobili Takes Charge, Plays Dead

SAN ANTONIO—Manu Ginobili oversold his attempt to get Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki called for a charging foul in the third quarter of Game 5 Wednesday, according to teammates, opposing players, and frustrated emergency medical personnel who grudgingly carried off the Spurs shooting guard in a stretcher despite the fact that he was clearly still breathing. "We kept shaking his shoulder and telling him, 'Manu, wake up, we got the ball back,' but he just kept lying there for a good five minutes," said teammate Tony Parker, adding that Ginobili was unresponsive to loud shouts in his ear and showed no signs of movement except a slight smirk after Tim Duncan pried his right eyelid open. "I guess maybe he thought that if the ref saw that he was really still alive, he might reverse the call. It's too bad he had to miss the rest of the game when he was taken to the hospital." NBA analysts say are calling this incident the most extreme case of flopping since 1992, when Vlade Divac, who was hiding a razor in his wristband, surreptitiously sliced his supraorbital vein and bled to death after drawing minor contact with the Clippers' Danny Manning.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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