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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Overconfident Big Brown Parties All Night Before Belmont Stakes

BELMONT, NY—After a night of drinking heavily in New York City clubs, Big Brown's arrogant guarantee that he would win the Belmont Stakes to become an historic Triple Crown winner went unfulfilled July 7 as the badly hungover colt slowly trotted around the track, occasionally pausing to dry-heave before finishing in last place. "Normally, Big Brown and I will each have a glass of bourbon together to unwind the night before a race," said Richard E. Dutrow, Jr., Brown's confidant and trainer. "But he was out of control, picking up the entire bottle with his muzzle and chugging it all in one long pull. And when he left the stables to go out clubbing, he was just buying round after round of drinks." Dutrow, who said that at one point during the evening Big Brown climbed up on the bar and started dancing, was relieved that the thoroughbred was smart enough not to get behind the wheel in his impaired condition.

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