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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Overconfident Big Brown Parties All Night Before Belmont Stakes

BELMONT, NY—After a night of drinking heavily in New York City clubs, Big Brown's arrogant guarantee that he would win the Belmont Stakes to become an historic Triple Crown winner went unfulfilled July 7 as the badly hungover colt slowly trotted around the track, occasionally pausing to dry-heave before finishing in last place. "Normally, Big Brown and I will each have a glass of bourbon together to unwind the night before a race," said Richard E. Dutrow, Jr., Brown's confidant and trainer. "But he was out of control, picking up the entire bottle with his muzzle and chugging it all in one long pull. And when he left the stables to go out clubbing, he was just buying round after round of drinks." Dutrow, who said that at one point during the evening Big Brown climbed up on the bar and started dancing, was relieved that the thoroughbred was smart enough not to get behind the wheel in his impaired condition.

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