Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Overcrowded GOP Field Forces Iowa To Construct Massive Town Hall Stadium

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to accommodate the tremendous influx of presidential candidates pouring into the state, Iowa Republican Party officials announced Tuesday the construction of a massive town hall stadium to play host to the campaigning. “Our state’s current gymnasium and VFW hall infrastructure is simply insufficient to handle the sheer volume of stump speeches and Q&A sessions that we expect from this vast field of GOP candidates, but this 2.3-million-square-foot arena will help meet that demand,” said Iowa Republican Party chairman Jeff Kaufmann, adding that the immense town hall stadium will have enough space for 80,000 folding chairs and a large central stage capable of holding all 16 Republican candidates at once. “This state-of-the-art politicking facility will be outfitted with over 30,000 microphones and microphone stands, allowing the multitude of GOP presidential hopefuls to field pre-approved questions from the audience.” Kaufmann added that the town hall stadium would also be a boon to the local economy, providing hundreds of jobs for maintenance technicians, engineers, security personnel, event coordinators, guest relations liaisons, and a minimum of a dozen moderators.

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