Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world. “Oh no, my chips!” said the grief-stricken oaf, tears welling in his eyes as he frantically attempted to sweep up the fragments that had spilled onto the floor, tiny salty shards that were now all that remained of his precious snack. “What did I do? What did I do to my chips?” At press time, although all was already lost, the sobbing dullard was begging a pile of crumbs in his palm to please forgive him.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.