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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world. “Oh no, my chips!” said the grief-stricken oaf, tears welling in his eyes as he frantically attempted to sweep up the fragments that had spilled onto the floor, tiny salty shards that were now all that remained of his precious snack. “What did I do? What did I do to my chips?” At press time, although all was already lost, the sobbing dullard was begging a pile of crumbs in his palm to please forgive him.

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