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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Overpopulation Concerns Force U.S. To Reopen South Dakota

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne announced yesterday that, in order to deal with a growing population that just passed 300 million, the U.S. will reopen the immense, barren region known as South Dakota for the first time since it was shuttered in 1931. "Though no human being has stepped foot on that desolate soil for the better part of a century, we believe it is the best option for addressing the overcrowding we see in the country's habitable states," Kempthorne said. "The great, uncharted territory of South Dakota is henceforth open, with plenty of space for anyone who wants it—anyone at all." According to Kempthorne, if national population continues to grow at this rate, his agency may consider lifting the federal ban on non-Mormon residents in Utah.

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