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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense

OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing defense Saturday, obsessing over what the secondary's coverage might imply about him as a player and a person and taking the play of the safeties in particular as a personal affront. "So are they showing signs of a blitz because they think I can't get rid of the ball fast enough, or because they think I can't handle pressure and scramble away from commitment at the first signs of trouble?" Adams was overheard asking his coaches. "Look, I know the tendencies of this defense, and the corners wouldn't be playing so far off if they thought I had any backbone. They obviously don't believe I have the inner strength to go deep. And you know what? Maybe they're right." According to the coaching staff, Adams is still overthinking their decision to bench him.

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