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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains

CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based cleansers, alleging that, if abused, the products could create detergent-resistant "superstains."

"These cleaners might emulsify grease and red-wine stains better than most surfactant-based detergents, but they are only wiping out the weaker stains, while leaving the most leanser-resistant varieties of smudges to spread unchecked," read the report, which warned that many so-called "good" stains beneficial to shirts and pants were also being destroyed. "More and more fabrics are developing mutated, dangerously stubborn superstains impervious to even the most dynamic scrubbing action."

The AALW's report concluded by predicting that, unless drastic changes are made to reverse the flood of enzymes into local water supplies, irreparable damage could be done to the nation's whiter whites.

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