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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains

CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based cleansers, alleging that, if abused, the products could create detergent-resistant "superstains."

"These cleaners might emulsify grease and red-wine stains better than most surfactant-based detergents, but they are only wiping out the weaker stains, while leaving the most leanser-resistant varieties of smudges to spread unchecked," read the report, which warned that many so-called "good" stains beneficial to shirts and pants were also being destroyed. "More and more fabrics are developing mutated, dangerously stubborn superstains impervious to even the most dynamic scrubbing action."

The AALW's report concluded by predicting that, unless drastic changes are made to reverse the flood of enzymes into local water supplies, irreparable damage could be done to the nation's whiter whites.

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