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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains

CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based cleansers, alleging that, if abused, the products could create detergent-resistant "superstains."

"These cleaners might emulsify grease and red-wine stains better than most surfactant-based detergents, but they are only wiping out the weaker stains, while leaving the most leanser-resistant varieties of smudges to spread unchecked," read the report, which warned that many so-called "good" stains beneficial to shirts and pants were also being destroyed. "More and more fabrics are developing mutated, dangerously stubborn superstains impervious to even the most dynamic scrubbing action."

The AALW's report concluded by predicting that, unless drastic changes are made to reverse the flood of enzymes into local water supplies, irreparable damage could be done to the nation's whiter whites.

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