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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

NEW YORK—During a press conference this week to discuss his expectations for the upcoming fantasy football season, Brad’s Awesome Team owner Brad Blevins asked fans for patience as his franchise enters rebuilding mode. “We need to be realistic and realistically, we’re still another season away from competing for a playoff spot,” said Blevins, assuring diehard fans that Brad’s Awesome Team will not tank any games this season in an attempt to secure the first overall pick in the 2014 draft. “We’ll never have the resources of a perennial contender like Huge Giant Robots, but we like the pieces we’ve assembled. This is an exciting young roster we’re building around and fans can be confident that 2014 will be our year—and just the beginning.” At press time, Blevins refused to address rumors that his team was shopping all of its veterans to clear cap space.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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