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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

NEW YORK—During a press conference this week to discuss his expectations for the upcoming fantasy football season, Brad’s Awesome Team owner Brad Blevins asked fans for patience as his franchise enters rebuilding mode. “We need to be realistic and realistically, we’re still another season away from competing for a playoff spot,” said Blevins, assuring diehard fans that Brad’s Awesome Team will not tank any games this season in an attempt to secure the first overall pick in the 2014 draft. “We’ll never have the resources of a perennial contender like Huge Giant Robots, but we like the pieces we’ve assembled. This is an exciting young roster we’re building around and fans can be confident that 2014 will be our year—and just the beginning.” At press time, Blevins refused to address rumors that his team was shopping all of its veterans to clear cap space.

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