Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

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Content From 2013-09-25

Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

Fast food chain Burger King is rolling out a new item that it calls Satisfries, a type of crinkle-cut french fry that allegedly has 40 percent less fat and 30 percent fewer calories than McDonald’s french fries.

Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources c...

Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address: Begins speech by saying, “It’d be one heck of a relief if the United States di...

Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense

BELMONT, MA­­—Escalating over the course of 20 minutes from a restrained discussion with a coworker to a heated confrontation between multiple members of his management team, the fantasized argument currently taking place in the mind of Digi...

Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

Aries What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do. Taurus It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-ea...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Hands Of Salvation Dean Koontz (Bantam, $21.95) Weston McKay is blessed with an extraordinary power and curse: His right hand can cure any sick person through touch alone, but...

Neo-Nazis Trying To Create Whites-Only Town In ND

A white supremacist has purchased multiple properties in the town of Leith, ND and has invited fellow neo-Nazis to move there with the goal of taking control of the local government and creating a whites-only enclave, despite the protests of Leith’s...

NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days

NASA researchers will pay volunteers $18,000 to stay for 10 weeks in a bed inclined at six degrees, such that subjects’ feet are higher than their heads, which simulates cardiovascular conditions seen in space.

Dad Explains Obamacare

‘It’s Bullshit,’ Father Says

PITTSBURGH—After noticing a newspaper article about the implementation of the upcoming Affordable Care Act, local father Andrew Panetta, 53, made an effort Monday to explain the intricacies of Obamacare to his son, sources confirmed.

How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

U.S. News & World Report published its influential annual list of the nation’s best colleges earlier this month, with Princeton University topping the 2014 rankings.
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Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

NEW YORK—During a press conference this week to discuss his expectations for the upcoming fantasy football season, Brad’s Awesome Team owner Brad Blevins asked fans for patience as his franchise enters rebuilding mode. “We need to be realistic and realistically, we’re still another season away from competing for a playoff spot,” said Blevins, assuring diehard fans that Brad’s Awesome Team will not tank any games this season in an attempt to secure the first overall pick in the 2014 draft. “We’ll never have the resources of a perennial contender like Huge Giant Robots, but we like the pieces we’ve assembled. This is an exciting young roster we’re building around and fans can be confident that 2014 will be our year—and just the beginning.” At press time, Blevins refused to address rumors that his team was shopping all of its veterans to clear cap space.

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