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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Owner Of Independent Comic Book Store In Ohio Not Quite Sure How He's Still In Business

DOVER, OH—Citing his town's sparse population and an increasingly niche comic-book market, Edge Comics owner Chris Moore admitted Thursday that he is not really sure how his store has remained in business for the past seven years. "With my storefront rent at $3,600 per month and inventory running another $1,500 on top of that, I really should have been out on the street years ago," said Moore, adding that even on a good day he sees no more than 20 customers, tops. "I mean, I'm not exactly selling luxury cars here. My main customer base is 12-year-old kids who stop by once a week to spend their allowance on a $3.99 comic book. Or two comic books, if I'm lucky." At press time, the store's lone customer flipped through a collected edition of Punisher MAX before putting it back on the rack and quietly walking out the door.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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