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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed. “You’ve done more than I could have asked, and now you’re free to roam and run wherever you please,” said the horse’s owner, Ahmed Zayat, who, following American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, is said to have transported the 3-year-old colt deep into the country near a forest clearing, removed its saddle, and given the animal one last kiss on the forehead before setting it free. “Nobody believed you could win all three, but you did it—you did it, American Pharoah!—and you earned your freedom. Wherever you go now and whatever you choose to do, just know that I’ll never forget you. Ever.” At press time, American Pharoah was reportedly spotted taking one poignant last look back at its former owner before galloping off among the trees.


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