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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Owners Of Google Hope To Parlay World's Most Popular Website Into Book Deal

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The creative minds behind Google.com confirmed Wednesday that they hope to turn the popular website into a book, perhaps even securing a deal that would have their work in print and on sale in time for the 2012 holiday season. "There's been a lot of buzz around our site lately, and we have new visitors every day, so hopefully we can at least get a publisher to read our proposal," said executive chairman Eric Schmidt, adding that if the book was a success it could possibly lead to more books or even a TV pilot. "Obviously, we'll be including highlights from the past decade of Google searches, but we're hoping to work out a deal with enough of a production budget to include pullout versions of some of our most popular maps. We've already sent an outline and sample chapters to a guy at HarperCollins, so we'll hear back soon, I hope." Schmidt also said the Google book would definitely be better than the Ask Jeeves book, which was just a rehash of what was already on the Ask Jeeves site with nothing new added to it.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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