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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Owners Of Google Hope To Parlay World's Most Popular Website Into Book Deal

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The creative minds behind Google.com confirmed Wednesday that they hope to turn the popular website into a book, perhaps even securing a deal that would have their work in print and on sale in time for the 2012 holiday season. "There's been a lot of buzz around our site lately, and we have new visitors every day, so hopefully we can at least get a publisher to read our proposal," said executive chairman Eric Schmidt, adding that if the book was a success it could possibly lead to more books or even a TV pilot. "Obviously, we'll be including highlights from the past decade of Google searches, but we're hoping to work out a deal with enough of a production budget to include pullout versions of some of our most popular maps. We've already sent an outline and sample chapters to a guy at HarperCollins, so we'll hear back soon, I hope." Schmidt also said the Google book would definitely be better than the Ask Jeeves book, which was just a rehash of what was already on the Ask Jeeves site with nothing new added to it.

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