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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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OxyContin Maker Criticized For New ‘It Gets You High’ Campaign

STAMFORD, CT—Caught off-guard by the shocking nationwide marketing blitz, anti-drug advocates roundly criticized Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the maker of OxyContin, for its massive new “It Gets You High” campaign. “We’re in the midst of an unprecedented opioid crisis in this country—is it really helpful to have thousands of billboards, website banners, and bus ads touting how incredible you’ll feel after just 10 milligrams?” said National Institute on Drug Abuse spokeswoman Tina Walters, adding that brightly lit billboards with slogans such as “What A Rush” and “Take More, Feel Better” represented a new low for the already grossly irresponsible drug manufacturer. “OxyContin is more than addictive enough on its own and certainly doesn’t require any assistance from television commercials that feature animated 40-mg tablets singing a catchy song about taking all the pain away or beautiful models looking into the camera and saying ‘I want an Oxy man.’” At press time, anti-drug advocates were beside themselves upon learning Purdue had just bought the naming rights for Snorting Oxy Gets You High Faster Stadium.

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