adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Pac-Man Jones: 'I Will Be Nowhere Near Next Friday's Strip-Club Stabbing'

LOS ANGELES—Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones called a press conference Tuesday in order to emphasize that he will be nowhere near a possibly fatal stabbing that will occur during a fight involving several members of his entourage and the bartender at an L.A.–area strip club this coming Friday.

"I just want people to know that I'm not going to be present at Shaker's, the club where possibly about to be deceased chump-ass bartender Darrent Wilson has been known to exchange harsh language and threats with my known associates, including kicking me and my people out of his establishment," said Jones, who is also currently being questioned by police concerning a recent shooting at an Atlanta strip club and is currently on suspension from the NFL following a melee and shooting in February at a Las Vegas strip club. "I am sorry for what is about to happen to this man, who will be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it will have had nothing to do with me."

Jones also took the opportunity to appeal once more to the NFL for leniency in a case of what he called "bad luck."

"I will be going to bed at midnight on Friday anyway, and the gentleman in question will not be knifed until about 3 a.m.," Jones added. "And about Wednesday I'm deciding to give up strip clubs anyway, since bad stuff can happen there, especially when employees act unreasonable. Just because I know the guys who will be there when this happens doesn't necessarily mean I knew it was going to happen."

The fight, which sources close to Jones say will apparently start as an argument over a woman, will involve Wilson and at least three as-yet unidentified members of Jones' group, although witnesses will not be able to place Jones at the scene. When contacted about the incident, Jones plans to promise to cooperate with authorities in their investigation and pray for Wilson's speedy recovery, if the bartender is alive at the time.

Jones stressed that no charges have yet been filed against him, saying that, although unfortunate, anticipation of the stabbing was "blowing the incident all out of proportion."

"This Saturday will mark my sixth arrest, or possibly seventh. I can't tell the future," Jones said, shaking his head in apparent anger. "Yet I won't get charged this time, either. They'll just be persecuting me for the stabbing that's going to happen because of the other stuff that already happened. Is that fair? I don't think that when Mr. Smart Mouth Darrent Wilson gets stabbed it should affect my career like that."

"You know that Darrent, the guy who's going to get tragically stabbed, has always had it in for me," Jones added. "By the time he gets put in the hospital or killed, he will have thrown me out of his club at least twice, and there's two days between now and the stabbing. I think he's going to use getting cut up as an excuse to get at my money, is what I think."

Manny Arora, Jones' attorney, said that Jones was "genuinely sorry in advance" about the incident, but was not at liberty to answer questions regarding his relationship with the one to three men who will be seen fleeing the vicinity covered in blood. Jones refused to confirm that the weapon to be used in the stabbing, a seven-inch pearl-handled hunting knife, will in fact be given to one of the men by Jones himself this coming Friday morning.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has already scheduled a rare Sunday meeting with Jones, demanding Jones be in his office as soon as news of the incident becomes public.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close