Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill, ungodly shrieks Thursday when their demand for crostini remained unfulfilled after nearly half an hour. Having already ravenously devoured a spring salad with raspberry vinaigrette, the foul half-bird, half-human female creatures reportedly clawed at a hapless waiter who passed by. "Crostini should take, like, five minutes, tops," cried one harpy, the fetid breath from her malformed beak heavy with white wine spritzer. "We're starving to death. And why doesn't anyone refill our water? Do I need to talk to a manager?" Mercifully, most of the harpies' hideous wailing was drowned out by a nearby eight-top, where a warriors' bacchanalia was being held to celebrate the pending nuptials of the strongest.

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