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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill, ungodly shrieks Thursday when their demand for crostini remained unfulfilled after nearly half an hour. Having already ravenously devoured a spring salad with raspberry vinaigrette, the foul half-bird, half-human female creatures reportedly clawed at a hapless waiter who passed by. "Crostini should take, like, five minutes, tops," cried one harpy, the fetid breath from her malformed beak heavy with white wine spritzer. "We're starving to death. And why doesn't anyone refill our water? Do I need to talk to a manager?" Mercifully, most of the harpies' hideous wailing was drowned out by a nearby eight-top, where a warriors' bacchanalia was being held to celebrate the pending nuptials of the strongest.

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