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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill, ungodly shrieks Thursday when their demand for crostini remained unfulfilled after nearly half an hour. Having already ravenously devoured a spring salad with raspberry vinaigrette, the foul half-bird, half-human female creatures reportedly clawed at a hapless waiter who passed by. "Crostini should take, like, five minutes, tops," cried one harpy, the fetid breath from her malformed beak heavy with white wine spritzer. "We're starving to death. And why doesn't anyone refill our water? Do I need to talk to a manager?" Mercifully, most of the harpies' hideous wailing was drowned out by a nearby eight-top, where a warriors' bacchanalia was being held to celebrate the pending nuptials of the strongest.

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