adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions. “It’s true the cuddle gets everyone on the same page and makes them feel safe and warm, but it takes quite a long time,” said Rodgers, explaining that cuddling is more useful in hostile away stadiums where players often become scared or upset. “You also have to remember that when we cuddle, the defense gets a cuddle of its own where they get to snuggle up, catch their breath, and give each other affectionate kisses on the neck. Going no-cuddle puts them on their heels instead.” Rodgers then added that he would still make an effort to give his running backs and receivers plenty of reassuring touches throughout the game.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close