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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions. “It’s true the cuddle gets everyone on the same page and makes them feel safe and warm, but it takes quite a long time,” said Rodgers, explaining that cuddling is more useful in hostile away stadiums where players often become scared or upset. “You also have to remember that when we cuddle, the defense gets a cuddle of its own where they get to snuggle up, catch their breath, and give each other affectionate kisses on the neck. Going no-cuddle puts them on their heels instead.” Rodgers then added that he would still make an effort to give his running backs and receivers plenty of reassuring touches throughout the game.

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