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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Packers Offensive Line Proves It Can Stop The Run

GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers offensive line, which has been criticized this season for its combination of youth and lack of experience playing as a unit, is confident it made great strides despite Sunday night's home loss to the Cowboys, who held the Packer running backs to a mere 84 yards.

"As soon a hole opened up, one of us slid over to plug it. We were airtight," said center Jason Spitz, proudly noting that Ryan Grant and Brandon Jackson "didn't see daylight all night." "That's the kind of thing that really makes a difference in this game." Guard Daryn Colledge denied that the Packers' offensive line had become an elite unit, saying they had to work on stopping the passing game by getting their hands up to bat down passes and meet their preseason goal of sacking Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers at least five times per game.

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