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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium

ARLINGTON, TX—After spending several hours exploring the facilities, Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely fucked-up shit in Cowboys Stadium Tuesday, including a functioning crematorium, a creepy boys choir, and a gallery filled with nude sculptures of former Dallas players. "This place is just wrong," said Packers cornerback Charles Woodson, adding that Steelers tight end Heath Miller stumbled across an armory packed with ammunition and assault rifles as well as a concrete bunker lit by a single bare bulb and containing only a portrait of Jerry Jones on one wall. "I really wanted to check out the brand-new weight room, but all I could find was this dungeon thing filled with all this crazy bondage gear, like ball gags and stuff, but like, really small. For small people." Though he was reportedly disturbed by the stadium's sub-basement chamber in which Andy Warhol's Blow Job was playing on loop, Steelers nose tackle Casey Hampton said he was most sickened after discovering a glass display case containing quarterback Tony Romo's exquisitely preserved corpse.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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