Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium

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Vol 47 Issue 51

How To Consume Spicy Foods

Spicy foods continue to grow in popularity, whether they agree with your palate or not. Here are some tips on how to avoid social awkwardness while consuming spicy dishes: Assure your palate you mean it no harm by giving it a little kiss before ea...

Those We Lost In 2011

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-il, Col. Muammar Qaddafi, Family Circus creator Bil Keane, al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden.
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Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium

ARLINGTON, TX—After spending several hours exploring the facilities, Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely fucked-up shit in Cowboys Stadium Tuesday, including a functioning crematorium, a creepy boys choir, and a gallery filled with nude sculptures of former Dallas players. "This place is just wrong," said Packers cornerback Charles Woodson, adding that Steelers tight end Heath Miller stumbled across an armory packed with ammunition and assault rifles as well as a concrete bunker lit by a single bare bulb and containing only a portrait of Jerry Jones on one wall. "I really wanted to check out the brand-new weight room, but all I could find was this dungeon thing filled with all this crazy bondage gear, like ball gags and stuff, but like, really small. For small people." Though he was reportedly disturbed by the stadium's sub-basement chamber in which Andy Warhol's Blow Job was playing on loop, Steelers nose tackle Casey Hampton said he was most sickened after discovering a glass display case containing quarterback Tony Romo's exquisitely preserved corpse.

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