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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium

ARLINGTON, TX—After spending several hours exploring the facilities, Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely fucked-up shit in Cowboys Stadium Tuesday, including a functioning crematorium, a creepy boys choir, and a gallery filled with nude sculptures of former Dallas players. "This place is just wrong," said Packers cornerback Charles Woodson, adding that Steelers tight end Heath Miller stumbled across an armory packed with ammunition and assault rifles as well as a concrete bunker lit by a single bare bulb and containing only a portrait of Jerry Jones on one wall. "I really wanted to check out the brand-new weight room, but all I could find was this dungeon thing filled with all this crazy bondage gear, like ball gags and stuff, but like, really small. For small people." Though he was reportedly disturbed by the stadium's sub-basement chamber in which Andy Warhol's Blow Job was playing on loop, Steelers nose tackle Casey Hampton said he was most sickened after discovering a glass display case containing quarterback Tony Romo's exquisitely preserved corpse.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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