WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
DALLAS—Noting that it has been over a year since his supposed one-year suspension from the NFL for his involvement in off-the-field criminal incidents, cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones wondered aloud Monday as to whom he had to kill to begin playing football again. "Man, what does [NFL commissioner Robert] Goodell want me to do, straight up gank someone? Choke someone out? Knife a guy? Put a bullet through some dude's earhole? Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes," Jones said to reporters present to watch him move into his new Dallas home. "Just say a name and the man is dead before you put the phone down, I want to play so bad." Goodell said he would be glad to meet with Jones before camp begins in order to discuss his future and stressed that Jones should please not kill him.