adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pacman Jones: 'Who Do I Have To Kill To Get Reinstated Into The NFL?'

DALLAS—Noting that it has been over a year since his supposed one-year suspension from the NFL for his involvement in off-the-field criminal incidents, cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones wondered aloud Monday as to whom he had to kill to begin playing football again. "Man, what does [NFL commissioner Robert] Goodell want me to do, straight up gank someone? Choke someone out? Knife a guy? Put a bullet through some dude's earhole? Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes," Jones said to reporters present to watch him move into his new Dallas home. "Just say a name and the man is dead before you put the phone down, I want to play so bad." Goodell said he would be glad to meet with Jones before camp begins in order to discuss his future and stressed that Jones should please not kill him.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close