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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Padres Broadcaster Insists Audience Is Watching A Good Game

SAN DIEGO—Padres broadcaster Jerry Coleman took a few moments in the seventh inning of a 3-1 game Monday night to extol the virtues of the slow, defensively played contest. "Folks, if you're just tuning in, we've got a heck of a game going here," the "Voice of the Padres" told his rapidly dwindling audience. "Greg Maddux has been a ground-ball machine tonight—the defense has barely had to move. The Pads have been taking pitches, working the counts, and hitting timely, clean line-drive singles. And while there's been no extra-base hits as of yet, the Pads have really taken advantage of the sacrifice bunt. What a game! Why, it reminds me of some of those other great Padres games." What games Coleman was reminded of were lost, however, when the Padres radio network cut away to a blowout 11-2 Red Sox game in which Kevin Youkilis had homered three times.

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