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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Padres Broadcaster Insists Audience Is Watching A Good Game

SAN DIEGO—Padres broadcaster Jerry Coleman took a few moments in the seventh inning of a 3-1 game Monday night to extol the virtues of the slow, defensively played contest. "Folks, if you're just tuning in, we've got a heck of a game going here," the "Voice of the Padres" told his rapidly dwindling audience. "Greg Maddux has been a ground-ball machine tonight—the defense has barely had to move. The Pads have been taking pitches, working the counts, and hitting timely, clean line-drive singles. And while there's been no extra-base hits as of yet, the Pads have really taken advantage of the sacrifice bunt. What a game! Why, it reminds me of some of those other great Padres games." What games Coleman was reminded of were lost, however, when the Padres radio network cut away to a blowout 11-2 Red Sox game in which Kevin Youkilis had homered three times.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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